


I won't even wish for snow

by impalaforthree



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Christmas, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sibling Incest, because the boys got very angsty and emotional, i'm not sure what the mood of this is anymore, was a folgers commercial au but then it wasn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28344738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impalaforthree/pseuds/impalaforthree
Summary: Loki comes home for Christmas after three years away. He'll be seeing Thor for the first time in three years, too, and trying to navigate the shaky remains of what's left of their relationship after he left, and left him behind. His brother has always been a force of nature, but Loki's sure he can resist him. Probably.-This was meant to be a Folgers commercial au, and then it became... not that.
Relationships: Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	I won't even wish for snow

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my drafts for... too long xD All it took was realising I didn't actually need to up the wordcount that much and could in fact just keep it simple. I literally can't look at this any longer right now, but I'll be back for a last edit. Please let me know of any mistakes if you see them!   
> Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate, and happy winter for everybody else! \^o^/

It wasn’t Thor that opened the door of the family house when he knocked.

The disappointment was brief - Frigga’s welcoming smile was blinding, and her arms closing around him were as always a blanket of protection against all the disappointments of the world. He was surprised at how easily he allowed her to pull him close, settling back into the old feeling of comfort. It was not enough to make him feel less like an outsider as he stepped inside his childhood home, reverent of the floor he stepped on and the familiar shade of the morning light through the windows. Careful, he took in the colours and shapes despite how he knew them all by heart. It had been three years since the last time he’d been home, after all. 

Odin’s welcome was more subdued than his wife’s. He didn’t look openly antagonistic, which was something, Loki supposed. Distance had cooled even Loki’s resentment for him. Maybe it wasn’t too much to think that the sting of disappointment his father had always felt for his youngest son had faded with time as well. They exchanged impersonally polite greetings, and Frigga deflated only slightly as she watched and quickly started offering snacks and drinks.

Loki resisted the question as he followed his mother to the kitchen and accepted the warm drink that was pushed into his hands, his resolve lasted for all of five minutes before the words slipped out unauthorised.

“Where is Thor?”

“Your brother will be home in a couple of days,” Frigga replied sunnily as she frenzied around the kitchen, and Loki’s shoulders dropped. 

The nostalgia of three years away from home had nothing on the emptiness left by the three years since he’d last seen his brother. Loki remembered, painfully clear, the never ending succession of long and dragging days. But now, from the unchanging kitchen aisle of this house, trying to focus his thoughts on those interminable months felt tricky, his mind wouldn’t settle on specific memories or sensations and he could’ve been fooled into thinking only a few weeks had gone by.

It was a deceiving sensation. Time had passed, and it hadn’t been gentle.

The first year had been a perpetual state of restlessness. It had taken months for him to stop talking out loud to the shadows in his empty apartment, to make one cup of tea instead of two in the evenings, muscle memory refusing to remember that he now lived all the way across the ocean from his big brother. The second year was a turmoil of sorrow and anger (at himself, for why would he do this to them), and he often had to remind himself to stop grieving his brother, when his brother was alive and well and texted him every week to come home or allow him to visit. Thor still texted every week, but the offers had stopped coming a long time ago.

The third year had been unexpected. Thor’s absence was no longer a constant warning of malfunction in the back of his mind. Most of the time, he was… okay. His life flowed in a well ingrained routine that always gave him something to do, someone to see, or a need to relax in solitude in his apartment. That’s what had left him unprepared for the sudden stabs of longing that popped up to assault him from time to time, a need he could not ignore to see Thor laughing, Thor working, Thor holding him close, Thor helping him braid his hair while they talked about their days.

He was still standing in his kitchen, finally shoveling down the last of his sobs and cleaning his face of tears after a particularly depressing day, when Frigga had called to ask if he would be coming home for Christmas this year. Thor had an entire week free of work and would be arriving early. They all wanted to see him. Loki, desperate with craving, only realised he’d said yes after his mother’s voice had started choking on emotion. 

And how dreadful that last month before Christmas had been. He was flying home on the 21st and the countdown stretched on eternally. Thor invaded every crevice of his carefully constructed life again, and not a part of his routine seemed remotely satisfying anymore. Nothing pleased him but the reminder that he would be seeing his brother soon. He and Thor hadn’t talked about it, even though they had texted awkwardly a couple of times, and Loki wondered if he was afraid of scaring him off and making him change his mind. He wondered if this thing between them could ever be fixed. His resolve to not call his brother on the phone had almost wavered for the first time in years. Almost. He just had to hold on a bit more, and he would hear his voice as soon as he arrived home. 

He probably should’ve asked when Thor was arriving. That way he wouldn’t have felt let down for no reason at finding out it was two days after him. Two days later meant two days missed of soaking up on Thor’s warm presence, and an even shorter timer counting down the seconds he had to build up his reserves and sustain himself for the next few years. Waiting for two entire more days seemed an unthinkable task, much harder than staying away for all those months had been. He had never existed in this house without Thor in his immediate proximity. Suddenly every room seemed filled with negatives.

-

Despite his tendency to overreactions, the days passed in quick anticipation. He had a surprising amount of things to catch up with Frigga, despite speaking with her on the phone for hours almost every week; and he found out that slow walks around town were pleasantly nostalgic. Helping his family prepare for Christmas Day was distracting enough, and it seemed like he’d just arrived when their parents left for work the morning of Thor’s arrival and he was left waiting for him, a tight bundle of anxious energy.

He startled when the bell rang, and went to the door with faltering steps. He didn’t allow himself to think before opening the door to the cold air outside.

Thor hadn’t changed much, but he seemed impossibly bigger. He was almost thirty now, and looked more a grounded man than the posturing young adult he had been. Their mother sent Loki pictures often and he would sit on his sofa and stare at them for hours, wishing he could jump across the screen and touch, if only for a second. But they were so plain, he realised, and held nothing of the brightness his brother had always shone with. How had he forgotten? 

“Thor,” he said, tasting the name carefully. Thor stared, and swayed forward on his feet as if drawn by gravity before he remembered to hold himself back. His eyes were wide.

Loki knew what he was seeing. He had done more than grow taller and broader in their years apart. Thor had always loved his little baby brother, had praised his sweet innocence when they were smaller.

No one would call Loki innocent at first glance now, not with the cold cut of the clothes he wore, the dark makeup around his eyes and the hard learned way he held himself. 

He had made sure to erase the adorable little brother Thor so loved. 

But Thor stood frozen a second too long, gazing at him up and down with big eyes, and for a terrified moment Loki considered the possibility that he had, after all, miscalculated.

He shoved down the panic, because Thor took a tentative step forward and then all but scrambled to close the distance between them, and Loki was opening his arms for him, helpless as always in the presence of his brother. Their bodies met and hopelessly closed tight around each other, swaying in place from the inertia.

His heels rose a couple of inches from the floor, Thor lifting him from the waist with strong arms and a low chuckle. He clung hard to him, and harder for one last breath before Thor inevitably put him down and took a step back, a rueful smile on his face. 

“Loki,” he said, sheepish. “You look good.” 

“Thank you, you too,” replied Loki in what was probably his saddest expression of wit to date. The silence expanded, and Loki wondered if Thor was regretting the hug as much as he was. Thirty seconds in, and his self control had already gone out the window. 

He cleared his throat. 

“Come in. It’s cold outside.” 

The door closed behind them and Thor had barely taken off his coat before he stopped to sniff the air and moaned appreciatively. 

“What’s that? Is it mom’s cookies?” he asked, suddenly full of giddy excitement. Loki smiled back by reflex, leading Thor into the kitchen.

“We made them yesterday. Mom said to always keep you half full or else you’ll eat all our dinners. Apparently a lot of food is needed to keep your inner furnace going.” 

Thor half heartedly slapped at his arm and it was a reflex to dodge. They used to play fight constantly. He hopped onto the kitchen isle and watched as Thor shoved two cookies in his mouth. He chewed and let out an appreciative groan and Loki would think that he was committing all his attention to the food if not for the almost subtle glances he kept sneaking in his direction.

“How was your ride?” Loki asked in the end trying to smother the temptation to fidget. 

“It was fine, I’m only four hours away. Your flight?”

“Oh, you know. Cramped, loud, smelly. But it’s nice to be home.”

The words hung in the air. Thor made an aborted movement in his direction but held back and clenched his jaw and Loki tried to decide if he was disappointed. 

“It’s so good to have you here, Loki,” he said at last. The next words cracked when they left his mouth, and he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from Loki’s if his life depended on it. “I have missed you so much.”

Having Thor’s attention on him had been the main goal of all his trickery when he was a kid. The electricity it spread through his limbs still felt the same.

“I’m here. You’ll have to deal with me for a couple of weeks yet.” Then, too wired to stay under the weight of Thor’s gaze, he occupied himself with putting the dishes away. 

“They have a surplus of days off to offer their employees in London?”, Thor wondered aloud after a pause of a few seconds. “Seems like a good deal.” 

Loki shrugged a disdainful shoulder.

“I keep their company afloat, they can’t say no to me. And I’m not asking for more than I deserve. I never take days off, and I haven’t left their crazy city in years.”

“Yes, I know you haven’t,” Thor replied, low, and the pause was longer this time before it came the sound of rustling and he heard Thor fidget in his chair. 

“I got you something.”

“There was no need, Thor” Loki protested, feeling the shame of all those years ignoring his brother, and still here he was, looking at him like he had single handedly saved dogs from extinction, so welcoming and warm and happy to see him despite it all. 

“You deserve a welcome home present, baby bro,” Thor hesitated and his eyes shifted nervously around the room. “You can take it as an apology instead. For driving you away,” his voice was carefully steady.

“Thor, no!” Loki said, finally turning around to face him. “I have a present already this year, and it’s seeing you. I promise you there’s nothing better I could’ve asked for. I  _ have _ missed you.” He despised this kind of silence. Thor seemed at a loss for words, and after an infinitely long exhale he witnessed the terrifying sight of Thor’s eyes welling up with tears. A loud, sniffling sound broke the tension of the moment and Loki could only choke out a small laugh as Thor sprung forward and engulfed him in his arms. 

“There, there,” he muttered against the front of the thick jacket he was wearing and god, he smelled so, so good. “Big baby.”

“Shut up, Loki,” replied Thor, pulling him in tighter and Loki surrendered to the feeling of it, allowing his body to soften and bend to every one of Thor’s crevices. His breathing was shaky but so was Thor’s and it was fine, it wasn’t like they were ever going to speak about this. He burrowed his nose in deeper.

“...you forgive me, then?” Thor whispered.

Loki pulled back to look him in the eye, wishing he could tell him just how much he hadn’t been upset by what had happened back then.

He raised a hand and brought it to Thor’s chest, pressing it right over his heart. Thor’s hand came up to cover his and hold it there and the look in his eyes was desperately raw. 

Loki didn’t want to think of what could be read in his own expression.

“Of course I forgive you, brother.”

-

They parted shortly after that, with the excuse of unpacking and resting. Loki lay in his bed, eyes on the ceiling, as every noise from his brother’s room just down the hall transmitted through his wall as if it wasn’t even there. It took a couple of hours for the noise to stop. Thor didn’t come looking for him.

Their parents arrived for lunch, resulting in a new flurry of greetings, tears and hugs. Everyone was thrilled, it really had been too long, and weren’t they the most handsome sons in America? Their mother wouldn’t stop smiling and Loki would say yes to anything to keep it that way. In this, unlike most things, he and Thor were the same.

After eating, they were dragged out on a walk around the neighbourhood. By that point, the day had been more emotionally charged than the last three years of his life combined. It was hard not to let the overall excitement affect him, and halfway through the afternoon Loki felt his mood sour as the inevitable guilt for abandoning his family started to weigh him down. 

Their parents shared a look that was probably meant to be discreet and they stalked ahead, leaving Thor and Loki trailing slowly behind them. The sentiment was nice, but being alone with Thor wasn’t much better.

“Everything okay?” Thor asked after a minute of silence.

“Just overwhelmed. They’re so happy to see me,” Loki only half lied.

“Of course they are. We’re all overjoyed,” Thor replied with gravity, sincere eyes meeting his for a second. 

The silence stretched a second too long, and Loki sneered.

“They were euphoric about seeing you, and you come by every month. I’m the terrible son in comparison, they’ll remember that once the excitement wears off,” he could see Thor’s wide, upset eyes and his intention to interrupt, and he waved him off. “Not even for Christmas, so unfilial. I know you came every year.”

“Of course I did,” Loki’s mouth twisted. Thor huffed, and immediately continued. “Not like that, Loki. But come on. It’s not like I have anyone else to spend it with,” he seemed to struggle for a way to lighten the topic. “And I’ll take mom’s cooking over any other alternative.” 

“No one cooks like mom,” Loki nodded. That was non-debatable. 

A few more steps, in a delicate quiet.

“How about you, Loki? No one waiting back in London? That you might have preferred to spend the holidays with?” this time Thor seemed intent not to look at him.

“All my friends have their own families living close by, or they don’t celebrate Christmas at all,” Loki shrugged. “Natasha invited me to join her and her family last year but it felt too much like intruding. I didn’t mind just staying at home, really.”

“That’s good, that you weren’t lonely,” a moment of silence, then. “You were missed at home. Christmas was not the same without you. We thought… We hoped you were happy, where you were. That it was the reason you wouldn’t come home. Mom and dad hoped that maybe there was… someone you were seeing. Keeping you over there”, Thor finished, dragging his words, and finally, stumbling over himself, “Was there?”

Loki turned sharply to look at him, eyes wide. They  _ didn’t _ discuss these things. Thor seemed to catch on immediately, moving an instinctual half step away from him as they continued walking.

“Sorry. Sorry, that was… none of my business, clearly. I’m sure mom will have asked you anyway, if she wants to know and… clearly you don’t want to tell me.”

There wasn’t a good explanation for the tight pressure in his gut, the oppressive feeling of having done something wrong. Thor should’ve known well enough by now to leave this topic alone, because otherwise -and Loki closed his eyes in pain at the thought for a second- otherwise they couldn’t have even this little. Didn’t he understand that? 

Every step they took was uncomfortable now and the distance between them seemed to multiply. The words were out of his mouth before he realised.

“There hasn’t been. Anyone.” Loki pointedly avoided looking at his brother. “I’ve had no time or interest in relationships.”

“O-oh.”

It was left there, hanging, and as they kept walking they didn’t move closer again, but the tight knot in his throat vanished, and the atmosphere between them didn’t seem to drown them anymore. 

-

Christmas Eve was eventful. Their mother became an omnipresent figure around the house, recruiting them for one task after another, while at the same time cooking, decorating, and re doing every task she had asked them to do.

It was a good distraction. The rest of Loki’s attention was devoted to a game well known to him since his teenage years. Stealing glances at Thor, without him noticing; manifesting in the room he was in, but leaving again before they had a chance to interact; brushing past him, close enough to get a sniff of his scent, but never allowing himself to touch. It felt so good and exhilarating to be so close to him again that he constantly had to remember to pull away. 

And then dinner. It had been easy to forget, from so far away, how much he loved Christmas with his family. Even Odin mellowed during the festivities, he was pleasant during Christmas and made a point not to argue as long as it lasted. It was a surprise to find himself happy, but he was. He truly was. 

And Thor glowed. All throughout dinner, he smiled and smiled and smiled, and he looked at Loki and then smiled even wider, wrinkling his eyes in the way Loki loved most. It drew him in, it was impossible not to. By the end of the night he felt drunk and giddy. It took him a while to realise that their parents had sneaked off to bed, leaving them to deal with the mess they’d left behind.

He sighed in fake annoyance, and got to it, Thor joining him soon after. The night soon began to feel dreamlike, the thick silence interrupted only by the soft clinks of ceramic carefully handled, the bright and dazzling kitchen lights, that barely penetrated the dense darkness of the early hours outside the window. The sound of Thor’s body, existing, so close to him again. 

Between the two of them, it didn’t take long to finish. It wasn’t conscious, but his steps slowed as they approached the stairs to the upper floor, and Thor noticed. He aimed a careful glance at him before speaking.

“Do you want a drink?”

How bad could it be, Loki thought, accepting. Armed with a bottle out of their father’s not-so-secret bar and a pile of blankets to guard off the cold, they settled on the porch of the house.

“How can it be so freezing?” Loki muttered incredulously.

“You’ve forgotten what real winters are like,” Thor smiled, teasing, as he added one of his own blankets to the amorphous pile covering Loki’s body.

Then, again, it was quiet. This was perhaps the first time neither of them seemed desperate to fill the silence with chatter. Tonight had been so good, and Loki really missed his brother. Thor poured the alcohol, and they passed a single glass back and forth between them, letting the liquid warm them as they stared into the night sky. After a while, Loki’s body was swaying to the side until part of his weight rested on Thor’s shoulder, and he was too sleepy to fight it off. He felt the stillness of his chest as Thor held his breath for a few seconds, then his cheek shook as he let out a long sigh. He closed his eyes and settled in, Thor rearranged the blankets to cover them both, and then time passed, immeasurable.

He woke up in his bed the next morning, but he couldn’t remember getting there.

-

They had waited for him to open the presents. When he went down the stairs they were already gathered around the tree.

“He lives!” Thor exclaimed as he appeared at the bottom of the stairs, pumping both fists into the air. Loki made a rude gesture, but he sat by his side and bumped their shoulders together with a soft smile.

The box Thor had tried to give him the first day was sitting there, where Loki had left it, unopened. On top of it, an obnoxious purple bow in all its glistening glory, and he couldn’t help a snort at the sight. He opened it, ignoring the feel of Thor’s eyes on him.

Inside, there was a photo album.

His skin felt so thin as he opened it. He was sure everyone could see inside of him. Like all of him was laying bare for them to poke a finger in. The first few pictures where from a family trip when Loki was five. He was next to Thor in every image.

He closed the album when he felt his eyes welling up.

“I just thought,” Thor’s voice said to his right. “I hope it wasn’t too much.”

“It isn’t,” Loki sniffed. “Thank you. Thor.”

His brother looked very soft in that moment, loose with relief and happiness. He was looking at Loki in that way he didn’t like to think about. He was so beautiful.

Plucking the bow from the rest of the wrapping, he pressed it to Thor’s chest until it stuck, ignoring his confused gaze. ‘I’ll take this one too’, he thought.

-

Friends and distant relatives came in and out of the house throughout an informal Christmas meal and well into the evening. Most of them, Loki didn’t even remember their names. Every once in a while Thor would look at him and grimace, and it set him off giggling until their mother gave them a look. By the time they were left alone, Loki was exhausted of making small talk, and gratefully settled on the couch for a family movie night. Thor chose some tacky modern superhero film, and Loki was happy to let the plot flow past him as he sank more and more into the soft cushions underneath and he listened to Thor’s and Odin’s constant commentary. The couch sank next to his feet, where Thor was sitting close enough to touch.

The movie ended, after the hero probably won and most likely got the girl. Loki stretched and sluggishly got to his feet as Thor bid their parents goodnight and they retired to their bedroom. Once again, midnight found him and Thor in the kitchen, cleaning side by side. Despite the tiredness that had settled deep in his body, he suddenly felt wired. He had spent the last 72 hours with his brother, and they hadn’t talked of anything important. He would leave after the holidays were over and he would be alone again, and missing him again, and it would be worse because he’d had this glimpse of how they could’ve been, the memory of the banter and comforting proximity.

The words left him without his permission.

“It’s not that great, London.”

To his credit, Thor barely showed his surprise at him initiating such a conversation.

“Mom makes it sound like you love it,” he said, but it sounded like a question. “You’re wonderful at your job. You like your life there.”

“I’m the best at my job,” he muttered, only to hear the smile on Thor’s lips.

He turned away from Thor to hide his face and set a plate in the sink. 

“It’s lonely, at times,” he said at last. Breathed for a second. “No big brother to annoy over there.”

Saying it out loud made the reality of it more obvious than ever before and his voice shook slightly. Before he could move, or think of taking it back, or escape, Thor was engulfing him in an embrace, pressing against his back and crossing his arms around his middle. He pulled him close and breathed against his temple and Loki started shaking in his hold. 

“Loki,” Thor said, a whisper against his skin. He could only stand, still, as Thor repeated his name over and over. Pulling him in tighter and burying his face in his neck and calling him softly until they were both trembling.

Loki closed his hands over Thor’s to untangle them from his body but pressed them closer instead, interlocking their fingers together. His brother exhaled roughly. 

“Loki, Loki… Don’t leave again, brother. Baby, please. Stay home. I can’t do this again, Loki, it felt like I was only half living.”

He had to close his eyes tightly to take in the next breath. Thor’s arms left him only just enough space to turn around in his hold and face him. He looked up to see Thor’s eyes blinking away wetness.

“I’m sorry I scared you away the last time, Loki, but I’m better now, I am. I will never do anything like that again, I promise,” Thor said, voice charged. As if the memory of the day Thor tried to kiss him and Loki pushed him away, and then avoided him to the point of fleeing the country with the excuse of a successful internship was something they could just forget. They hadn’t spoken again until Loki was safe and alone far away in London, and they had never,  _ never _ talked about it. 

“It’s not that easy,” he whispered, wishing Thor would show him how it  _ was _ . How he could. “You know it’s not, I can’t just—”

“Loki—”

“—I can’t just quit, just drop everything in my life to come back here, and—”

“I know, but if you want to, we can work it out! We can—” 

“—and you’re going to be here and how it  _ that _ easy? Thor?”

It’s his abrupt tone that finally shocked Thor into loosening his grip, and Loki pushed himself out of his arms and turned around to look out the window.

“You don’t know what the last three years have been like. It was so hard to ignore you. Every attempt you made just kept breaking my heart” Loki choked out. “I needed you so much and you kept reaching for me and I just pushed you away again and again. And I knew that if only I was less stubborn you would be right there for me. That if I just came back I could have you. Every day I had to tell myself that I couldn’t.”

“Lo, you have me already, always,” Thor’s earnest voice came from his back. Loki turned to look at him.

“You think you can just offer me things. That I won’t take everything. Do you really believe that it’ll be okay if I do that? That things will be fine?”

Thor was still staring at him, with a confused focus clear on his face. His eyes flickered up and down, trying to grasp Loki’s deeper meaning, and Loki looked down and turned back towards the window, already regretting opening his mouth. 

Thor’s hand grabbing his hip stopped him. Loki was gently pushed back against the counter and locked in place by the intensity in Thor’s eyes. 

“Tell me what you mean.”

“Nothing. This is not worth dwelling on. We should go to bed...”

“Loki, tell me what you mean right now,” Thor growled, making a whisper sound loud. Loki felt his breath hitch. “Tell me what you want from me. Whatever you want, you can take it, you  _ must _ know that. Why don’t you do it?”

“I should think that would be obvious, brother,” Loki snarled, suddenly angry at Thor for doing this right now, for being so close to making the last few years, with all their suffering, pointless. 

“You have the right to hate me for what I did—"

“You know I don’t hate you”, Loki huffed, attempting once more to turn away.

“No?” Thor crowded up to him. “Can you honestly say that you’re not disgusted. Knowing how I feel about you? How I think of you?”

“Thor, stop this,” Loki struggled against Thor’s grip.

“I still feel the same way,” Thor stated, not backing away an inch. “Did you guess? I said I didn’t to try to keep you close, but it wasn’t true.” 

“Stop it,” Loki pushed him away, with true intent this time, and Thor stumbled back a step.

“How could you not despise me?” and what’s worse of all is how his voice has gone flat and lifeless. “I want to do things to you that only a monster would think of.” 

“What the fuck do you know about what I think” Loki exploded. “How I have longed for you. Cursed myself for leaving, and for hurting you, hurting us both, and shutting you out. How could I hate you instead of myself when you’ve done nothing but love me? More than I could ever deserve from someone like you. I would ruin you,” he was shaking, and he couldn’t stop. “I couldn’t despise you without being a hypocrite,” he whispered to himself, not low enough. 

“Lo,” Thor breathed, almost no sound in his voice, and Loki turned his face away but Thor’s hand on his cheek moved it gently forward again. “Loki, what do you mean. Loki, please.”

“Don’t,” he tried to escape Thor’s hold, but it’s a halfhearted attempt. “This can’t have a happy ending. You have to know that.”

“Loki, I love you,” Thor begged, and it stole all the air away from Loki’s lungs, just like always, Thor’s love and devotion strong enough to halt everything else. Both his hands curled around his neck, so gently. “I can’t not love you. I have tried, gods, I tried so hard. If you…” he started, and swallowed. “If you do too, shit, Loki, do you?” 

This would be more dignified if he could stop crying, Loki thought. What a disaster. 

“You’re an idiot. This will destroy us.”

“It won’t. Not if you love me back. Tell me that you don’t,” Thor demanded, and Loki clenched his jaw. “Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you now,” he insisted, sliding closer, and Loki was startled into raising his eyes to meet Thor’s. There was nothing but determination in them, unlike the panicked despair and scared apologies he had to offer the last time, three years ago.

How did this get so out of control, Loki marveled. How stupid he was, thinking he could somehow escape this. 

What had possibly made him think that a mere ocean could keep Thor and him apart. Loki had always been selfish, deep down. 

‘He is so tall’ he wondered, lifting up on his tiptoes, bringing their lips together to touch. His heart felt so light, ready to fly away.

Thor seemed suddenly frozen, and Loki gathered his bravery and slid closer, bringing his hands to the soft, beloved gold of Thor’s hair, twisting it and moving his lips into a proper kiss.

He thought, ‘we can’t’, or maybe he said it, a token protest of lips brushing lips, a last attempt to avoid damnation. Someone started the kiss again, and there were no more protests after that: there was only coming together after years spent apart, soft whispers being swallowed by thirsty lips.

Thor’s hands were everywhere on him, moving, restless to hold him, pull him close. But his mouth didn’t move, didn’t stray far — it was there as they kissed and kissed, first lips, then teeth, and warm pants against his neck — he was barely aware of being lifted on top of the counter, of his legs opening for Thor, but his brother walked into that space as if it belonged to him, and it did, it always had. He told him so, and Thor interrupted him with his mouth again, now frantic and clumsy, his lips silently shaping Loki’s name.

It was a shock the first time their movements rubbed them together, and they were loud about it, then immediately shushed each other with kisses as Thor pulled him in by the hips and started swallowing his moans. It was so good, so overwhelming, it was  _ Thor _ , finally, with him in this. The thought made him whimper and tremble, pushing him over the edge as his entire body lost strength and he dropped his face in the crook of Thor’s neck. It was just a moment before Thor went rigid in his arms and then loosened, kissing his neck until the last of their tremors had died down. 

Their eyes found each other, and they were both smiling. Thor helped him back to his feet and seemed happy to indulge him as Loki continued to cling to him. Slowly they made their way upstairs and into Thor’s room, they rid each other of their soiled clothes and into fresh pajamas, too lazy to properly clean up.

They curled around each other on the bed. Loki dozed off, absently measuring his breaths. Thor didn’t seem able to stop kissing his face. It was an effort to speak up.

“This will go wrong.”

Thor didn’t stop for a second. “Let me deal with that.”

Loki could only muster an amused chuckle. “Really? That’s all of your brilliant plan?”

“I won’t let you be a coward. Not about this.”

Loki shifted closer. It was difficult to find arguments here, in the warmth of his brother’s bed, the comfort of his body. It wasn’t a good idea, but. They could try. It might work. Right?

“You can come visit me next month,” he said, mostly to himself. “I’ll show you around. You will love Natasha, and she’ll give you such a hard time,” he smiled. That would be good. “Thor? I love you.”

The kisses slowed for half a second. “I love you, Lo. Merry Christmas.”


End file.
